Well, This Is Awkward
by GlitterTech
Summary: Written in response to all those stories where Ciel quite suddenly turns gay for Sebastian. Includes prancing Sebastian, blushing Ciel, Alois getting his hair ripped out, etcetera.


_I've only gotten to Episode 3 of Kuro. 2, so I didn't try too hard to keep the characters in character, this being a total crack story and all, but I hope they're not too wildly out of place. When you read the abbreviation IDKLOL, know that you have entered the Insanity Zone, and the only way out is all the way through. Goodbye. _

"Grell, are you SURE you can't do anything about this situation?" Ciel asked, his voice muffled by his slowly-loosening gag.

"I've told you already, if there was something I could do I would have done it already, then Bassey would've already swept me away and ravished me in a large four-poster on a beach somewhere. Why don't you ask him to get us out of this?" Ciel rolled his eyes at the reaper's wild fantasy. He spat and stuck his tongue out and gnashed his teeth until the gag fluttered to his lap.

"In case you can't tell, he's out cold. He won't wake up," Ciel explained, a slight frown on his face. He'd never seen his butler genuinely unconscious before, but the fact that their captor said that he had come straight from the Underworld probably explained his uncanny knowledge of demonology. Ciel looked to his right, Alois making quite a fuss about how dark it was in the dungeon, and Lizzy trying to calm him down. How Ciel had gotten into this situation with these people, he'd never know. He turned to the Undertaker, who was whistling some morbid tune about dancing skeletons, and asked him about their captor.

"Oh, what a rude fellow he is. Got kicked out of the Underworld for bein' the child of a disgraced reaper and a religious demon, then by some act of an angry god got killed up here on Earth, and got his aura put into a wooden figure." Ah. So he was aliar as well as a kidnapper. "Never got over not bein' accepted anywhere, and spends all his time killin' people and trying to find something that'll make him… uh… flesh-y again. He's a right mess, ain't he?"

"Does he have a name?"

"Finkel, some call might call 'im. Or Llodcer, because it's a random bunch of letters that fit his image, see?"

"Yes, I see." Ciel wriggled uncomfortable in his bonds, and looked around the little room.

There was really nothing to see. It was very small, the five conscious captives lined up snugly against one wall. The rough, huge stones the walls were made of were wet, constantly dripping water. Despite the ever-present moisture, four torches at each corner of the room burned brightly, but not enough to chase away the shadows. A door lingered in one corner, falling off its hinges and molding from all the water damage, with a doorway that almost toppled in on itself. The ceiling bowed low, and the wall held chains to which the motley group was attached, save for Sebastian, who was lying out in front of them. Ciel tried ineffectually to kick Sebastian awake again, but only succeeded in stubbing his toe on the inside of his boot.

The door made a loud clanging noise -_How is that even possible, it's made of wood_, Ciel thought- and a brightly colored figure glided in. The man Ciel was forced to assume was Llodcer was certainly… flashy. He wore a tall purple top hat with a playing card, a peacock feather, and half a femur in the band, a multi-patterned, multi-colored, ripped-up, stained-with-blood, pin-striped vest-and-slacks number one might expect to see at a gothic circus, and a bright pink women's tailcoat covered in runes and foreign characters. The tailcoat floated out behind him, defying all laws of gravity and physics as he pulled a music box-camera hybrid device out of his… nowhere. Hammer space, one should say.

"YOU PEOPLE, have kept me from my ultimate goal, to become flesh again. I WILL get my Box whether you give it to me willingly or not!" His voice was gritty and loud, and he sounded like he couldn't speak English all too well.

"What are you talking about? I've never met you before," Lizzy said quizzically.

"OH, TRUST me, you haven't met me before, but you've all ruined my life and kept me from the Box in one way or another." The fire flickered dramatically, and Alois screamed louder like the little pansy he was. Llodcer kicked him, and when that didn't shut him up, he snapped his fingers and the room was bathed in a yellow glow.

"BUT, THERE is one person here who's met me before. HE'S UNDER my boots." Llodcer stepped down off of Sebastian's chest, and pulled the demon up by his lapels. "I WILL get the Box's location out of him, no matter what." He hit Sebastian in the face with his music box-camera-telephone, and when that didn't do something, he dropped Sebastian and fiddled with the device in a corner. Grabbing the opportunity, Ciel turned to Lizzy and whispered to her "Lizzy, I need you to get my eye patch off of my eye, _right now._"

She blinked confusedly. "Okay Ciel darling, whatever you say, but I'm going to have to use my teeth. And it's on the other side of your face, so it'll be difficult. " She flopped around until she was half laying on Ciel's lap, and whispered to him to get closer, because his face being out her reach wasn't helping her much. She grasped the top with her teeth, and pulled it down until it was resting on his cheek. The seal started to glow. "Sebastian, you lazy idiot, I order you to wake up right now!" The prone form in front of them groaned and turned away tiredly.

"I've got such a dreadful headache. Couldn't you have waited a while longer, my lord?"

"No," Ciel snapped, "we need to leave now." Just as Sebastian was about to respond, Llodcer 'Aha'd loudly, then scuttled out of the corner over to the disgruntled butler. "SO I see, it just takes a while. NOW SEBATIAN, you filthy rat you, tell me where the Box is!"

"Why on Earth would you want to know where that thing is? It won't help you at all."

"WHY WOULDN'T it?"

"Because it only responds to sane people." Sebastian was slapped sharply across the left cheek, and it actually kind of hurt. The evil hybrid harrumphed and crossed his arms.

"I'M SANE, I'm the sanest of you all. YOU'RE THE crazy ones. I'M ASKING you because you're the last person to know its location."

Sebastian chuckled and shook his head. "That's only the on-the-books-records, I haven't seen the thing in centuries. It may even have been destroyed, burnt to ashes by one Whitley Moores."

"NOW WHY would he do that to a priceless artifact of unmatched power, it doesn't make sense? NEVER MIND that, I know that you have it, or know where it is, so I'll force the truth out of you, piece by piece!" Llodcer yelled, smashing the music box-camera-telephone-phonograph into Sebastian's face, sending vibrations throughout the whole room. Ciel yelped loudly as a chain hit the back of his head, Sebastian's slightly worried eyes following his every move. Llodcer cackled loudly, patting a confused-yet-drugged-looking Sebastian on the head.

"IN JUST a few moments, Sebastian will not be able to tell any more lies, or casual "IDKLOL"s, ONLY THE FULL AND UNADULTERATED TRUTH!" the insane man yelled. Sebastian's pupils suddenly contracted, becoming mere pinpricks in his red irises. He paled unhealthily and clumsily got to his feet. There was a faraway, terrified look in his eyes that suddenly gave way to tiny-pupiled cheer. He smiled, and pranced around the room in a very uncharacteristic and terrifying fashion. He turned in circles, and pointed dramatically at the chained humans and soul reapers on the floor.

"Iiiiiiiiiii have a seeeeeeeecrettttttttttttt… That Iiiiiiiiiiii'm going to tell yoooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu~!" He slurred, spinning in happy circles and ignoring Llodcer. "It's a seeeeeeeeecretttttttt that will change the woooooorld as we know ittttttttttttt," he murmured, ending his statement oddly as he tried to sustain the 't'.

"YES I knew it would work! NOW SEBASTIAN, tell me where the Box is and I'll let you go free and unharmed."The butler suddenly composed himself, straightening his tie and re-adjusting his gloves.

"Tut tut Frankie, you think that's what I'm going to tell you? That's not it at all, you device on works with the last thing on someone's mind, and the Box was certainly not my last thought." Llodcer flushed an angry red at the sound of his birth name, and squealed indignantly.

"DAMN IT, don't call me that! AND HOW did you figure out how my device works?" The angry man was ignored in favor of dancing by one demonic butler. He soon started to speak, to say very odd things.

"This, I have been thinking this since the day I met him. His looks, his style, his attitude, I love it all and I can't wait to finally say it!" Grell vibrated excitedly, waiting for a declaration of love.

"Ciel Phantomhive, I want to be your filthy love slave!" Sebastian shouted, tripping to his knees in front of the blushing earl and pressing a sloppy kiss to his forehead. "I dream of you every night, of you flushed and sweaty underneath me as I-"

"These are really not the sort of things that children should hear!" Grell shouted, thinking that _someone _had to defend the poor childrens' virgin ears. "Lizzy, close your eyes! Turn away! Start humming the anthem, do anything to save your maiden's ears!" Lizzy was busy trying to figure out what exactly Alois was trying to say to her, and having a lot of trouble in the process.

"You want me to pinch your leg?"

"Mmph!"

"You want me to flip off your hag?"

"Mmph!"

"You want me to get off your dad?"

"MMPH!"

"You want me to… take off your gag!"

"Ymmph!" She leaned forward and ripped his gag off with her teeth, pulling some of his hair out in the process.

"Oh, Alois! I left a bald spot just above your ear!" He was too busy not listening to hear her.

"Claude! Claude, you have to come see this, it's hilarious!" Alois shouted, his seal glowing. A few moments later, the door flew open, and revealed his butler, brushing off his sleeves and marveling at what a dump this place was. Sebastian resumed his lauding of all things Ciel.

"OH, that beautiful blue eye, it's a shame I had to ruin the other one!" Ciel closed his normal eye and left the demonic one open.

"His body, though scrawny and small like a child's should be, simply fills me with the most sinful of feelings." Ciel pulled his legs up to his chest and hid his face behind his knees.

"His piss-poor attitude, so sulky and narcissistic, would make it all the sweeter when I hear him whimpering in pleasure and moaning my name."

"Say Grell, isn't it a lovely day out? Lizzy, have I mentioned that you look wonderful today? Perhaps when I get out of this I'll donate toys and money to all the local orphanages and hospitals," Ciel shouted awkwardly, his knees muffling his voice. Claude, who had been containing his laughter until now, was rolling on the floor, gasping for breath and pounding the ground with a gloved fist. Sebastian looked rather upset that his praise had been interrupted by insane laughter, so he continued with louder compliments and bigger gestures.

"My only goal in life is to feel his sweet caress, to feel his flesh against mine, to hear him call me his dirty little demonic whore…" By this time, everyone in the room who wasn't laughing insanely was staring wide-eyed at Sebastian. Except Ciel, who was still hiding behind his knees and trying desperately not to listen. Lizzy provided a helpful distraction until Ciel understood what she was talking about.

"Oh, do you hear Ciel? Sebastian loves you even more than I do! And that's a lot, I can tell you. Goodness, feelings like these don't just come out of nowhere, he must have been lusting after you for a really long time!"

"As my fiancée, shouldn't you be _disapproving _of my hired help being in lust with me?"

Lizzy shook her head fervently. "Oh no Ciel, who am I to get in the way of this? Just know that I will always be by your side, after your little fling with Sebastian, of course." Ciel blanched, paling quite a bit.

"N-no, I'm NOT going to do anything with him, not at all! If I ever showed any physical interest in people, it'd be in girls, I swear!" Lizzy giggled and kissed the earl's cheek.

"No need to froth yourself up for my sake, I'll always be here for you and love you, no matter what! Even if you need to talk to me about how Sebastian sexually abuses you every day," Lizzy said casually, leaning back against the wall and staring at Ciel.

"BUT HE DOESN'T!"Ciel insisted. His face was pulled forward, to stare into the red eyes of said butler.

"And, to feel his form against every inch of mine, to feel that upmost human pleasure over and over again, why that's worth giving up his soul any day. Nothing else in life would matter, not the servants, or the Queen, or the Box or-" Sebastian was stopped from kissing Ciel by a music box-camera-telephone-phonograph-telescope to the head, wielded by an indignant-looking Llodcer.

"DAMN YOU Sebastian, why can't you ever just do what people want you to do? I WANT to know where that god-forsaken Box is, and you start going off in sexual tangents about you bratty kid master! NOW COMES my ultimate revenge! WHEN ONE comes out of the state set upon them by my lovely device, they will remember everything that they have done! FEEL THAT embarrassment Sebastian, _feeeeeeeeeel iiiiiit…_" Unfortunately, the device had not been set correctly, so Sebastian got even more absurd, pressing himself close to Ciel and demanding that he "take me right now, and fill me with every inch of yourself until I simply can't stand it any longer." Ciel was blushing madly and pressing himself against the wall, trying to fade away or shrink or both.

It wasn't until Sebastian demanded that Ciel "slap my tits and call me a bitch" that the music box-camera-telephone-phonograph-telescope-compass was slammed back down onto the man's head by a blushing puppet-demon-reaper, knocking him unconscious for a short period of time. Llodcer flushed in embarrassment and rubbed the back of his head.

"THIS THING...um… tends to over-embellish the truth a lot, you know what I mean?" Ciel nodded blankly, his poor young mind stretched past the breaking point. "SO DON'T take anything he said too seriously, m'kay?" Another vacant nod. "I'M SERIOUS kid; don't let this ruin your life." He stepped down off of Sebastian again, and kicked him in the ribs, shattering one or two.

"WAKE UP you sodding git, I'm done with you and your little posse."

"Honestly Frankie, that was quite rude, and rather painful. It'll take a few hours for that… to… heal." Sebastian trailed off as he remembered all the things that he had said, the very sexual, _perverse_ things he had said about his master. Llodcer unlocked the restraints as quickly as possible, hurrying them all out of the room and making them promise to never come back again lest he stab them in the ribs with a fork.

The more mature members of the group stood around uncomfortably while Lizzy and Alois chatted happily about something trivial. Ciel slowly shuffled away from Sebastian and closer to Grell and the Undertaker.

"Se-Sebastian."

"Yes, my lord?" Sebastian smiled nervously and placed a hand on his chest.

"G-go home and make dinner. Now. And leave me here, I have… business to take care of," Ciel demanded. While the statement in itself sounded very bratty and demanding, as any words out of the mouth of Ciel Phantomhive should, his tone of voice and childish stuttering belied other meanings. If he was to go home with his butler, that meant his butler would have to carry him. Bridal style. That's not the position you want to be in with a centuries-old demon who had just demanded that you have anal sex with him. He turned to Grell and the Undertaker and asked if they had any means to get him and his fiancée home, which they did. Sebastian bounded out of the dungeon, followed by an Alois-wielding Claude.

* * *

><p>One off-screen teleportation later, Ciel and Lizzy were back at the Phantomhive manor. Ciel had already tucked Lizzy into bed in an uncharacteristic act of kindness and called his servants.<p>

"Oh, what is it now Master?" Mei Rin crooned.

"Starting now, you will all have new duties in addition to your usual ones. Bardroy, you will bathe me, Finny, you will dress me, and Mei Rin, you will bring me my afternoon tea, and if you spill any of it I will personally see to your pay deduction," Ciel recited.

"But lord, what's wrong with Sebastian? He does all o' those things for you an' you never complain 'bout it," Bardroy asked. Ciel turned sharply to look at Sebastian, who winced and laughed nervously.

"I don't trust him with my body anymore, and I will not tell you why. Now Bardroy, I'm feeling in mood for a hot bath, go fill the tub for me. Finny, my nightshirt will do, even though it's early." He dismissed the servants, but expressly did not tell Sebastian to go anywhere and walked off to his study, intending to get some work done before his bath. Sebastian rubbed the back of his head and laughed awkwardly again, wondering how he would get himself out of this mess.

"So, does this mean I'll still get to marry Ciel when we grow up?" Lizzy asked.

"Does this mean I still get to be Ciel's mistress outside of his marriage?" Alois asked.

"Does this mean William really _is _my one true love?" Grell asked.

"Does this even have anything to do with me?" Claude asked.

"Does this mean I'll be forever alone?" The Undertaker asked, a tear rolling down his cheek.

And then, the story ended. THE END.

_I read a story summary that said something about Sebastian's feelings for Ciel finally coming out, and this was the first thing that came to mind. When Llodcer (his name is an anagram for Drocell, do you see the parallels I'm trying to produce?) said that the device over-embellished the truth, he was right. I'm not going to tell you how much, but it is safe to say that Sebastian does not want to get his tits slapped nor does he want to get anally or vocally violated by his young master. _

_Damn, I hate long Author's Notes._

_I have quite a few little details (mostly about Llodcer and his family ) about this story I couldn't work into author's notes or actual story, so feel free to ask about them when you review._


End file.
